Stuck In a Daydream | Poem

I guess every time I want to sit in my feelings, I’m just gonna write a “poem”. I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I think turning my sadness and emotions into creativity is better than an all night cry-o-thon. You probably think I am pathetic to still feel so strongly about this, but you weren’t just “a season” for me, I thought we were forever, truly.

It’s been over a year now, and somehow every time I’m reminded of you it feels like we were laughing together yesterday. Right after that split second of a daydream, I catch myself and I’m jarred like someone who got into an accident and got whiplash. I come back to reality and remember those times are gone.

I still haven’t been able to delete any pictures off my phone, even though they stare me in the face every time I open my gallery app. I can see the cover photos of us… being us..sorry, what we used to be. But I am scared to open those folders even to delete them because I know it’s gonna be a full day of sadness if I do. On brave days, I sometimes stop on a picture of us to remember who you were because that’s the closest to “that you” I’ll ever get to. I usually wait till at night so it don’t throw my whole day off. Then people will start asking questions that I have no answers to.

So instead, I am reminded daily of you every time I open my gallery, and quickly have to shut those thoughts down before they go too far. Which is unfortunate for me, as I am a photographer who naturally documents many aspects of her life with photos. That was more insight for anyone that isn’t you reading this. And maybe everyone BUT you will read this, I’m leaving it all into Gods hands if He wants you to run into this on the entire World Wide Web lol. So if somehow you’re here, just know, it’s God!

I think about the simple times, the ordinary times. I loved that I never had to be anyone around you. You let me be myself, and even embraced my crazy, making me more crazy a lot of the times. I loved to make you laugh, and that made me try to be as funny as I could. I definitely smiled a lot more, because I had someone that wanted to be around me, willingly. I give you props for that, I think in our situation, opposites defiantly attracted, because if you were as crazy as I was, well, we probably would have gotten into some trouble! And balance.

I almost got lost in those memories again writing this, it felt like I was witnessing all of us on a typical night from a birdseye view in my living room. Game night, chilling with some good food, and each other. When we’d get tired of playing games, and just having deep conversations about life and other things, and maybe a movie until all of you non night owl people would fall asleep. I’d always smile knowing you felt comfortable enough to do that.

I loved doing nothing at all with you. Meaning, we didn’t have to plan an activity to be with each other. It wasn’t a superficial thing where we had to schedule each other in, that’s what I miss the most. Nothing will ever replace that.

One thing I thought we still had left to do was to go on vacation together. I know we all loved dreaming things up like that, and I really thought we’d still be together to do that. I didn’t really care where we went, I felt like we had enough in common and knew what each others taste was that we could undoubtedly find a place that would be perfect for all of us. I would have loved to go to the upper part of Florida, or cali with you guys. I know we would have had fun the entire time going to all the local shopping areas and finding ice cream shops.

Ugh, ice cream, why did we bond so often over that lol. I blame that on you. It didn’t affect your weight of course, for me I cannot say the same lol but I did it anyway just to be around you whenever I had the chance.

Sometimes I get delusional, and think, oh we’ll be saying to each other “remember that time we didn’t talk for a year?” Pathetic I know. Even if anything was rekindled or made new, I worry about how you view me. I really don’t know, but what I do know is my history when things go bad, I avoid. Truly I’m trusting God with His plans if He ever wants to bring us together again for a greater purpose or not. I’m not doubting God, but I’m hesitant to say we would.

We live quite far apart now, not that you ever had a problem with driving to come to us, which we did not take for granted by the way. I don’t see you ever live closer than you are now, but I guess time will tell. I also loved your little place so much, it was cozy and simple, and now that I’m thinking about it, my clutter probably drove you bonkers lol!

Thanks for being my friend for the years we had together. I’m quite lonely now, and unfortunately there are some high standards I had to install now before I risk anyone allowing me to feel this pain potentially again.

Sometimes I simply wonder why I still think about you and why it still hurts so deep

But I suppose it wouldn’t really hurt so much if you were just another friend I used to know.

p.s. – I still have candy jars all around my house

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