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No hard feelings. The hard parts of following Jesus

We all talk about the amazing parts about deciding to follow Jesus, but we often neglect to talk about the painful and hard parts. Please don’t think I’m not grateful or that I would trade my relationship with Jesus, but I’ve also lost so much and it simply still hurts and my heart aches often for something I know I’ll never have again.

I often go back to our memories together, and even though it ends up in me crying for hours, it’s the closest I’ll ever be to you again. I know it’s bad for me to do this to myself, but I long for something that doesn’t exist anymore, but I know it would be worse for me to let you to have access to my heart again.

I know you may not even understand still what happened, my eyes were just opened to things that I think yours weren’t yet. He changed how I saw things, and everything changed after that. I pray for you a lot, and not in a “I’m better than you” way, in a way full of love because even if we can’t be in each others lives I hope you are well. I’m sure I’m not even a thought for you anymore, and I’m not going to lie that part hurts really bad to think about I possibly meant so little to you, but you were so much to me.

I’ve never had someone like you that accepted me for me and one of the only people I didn’t have to put a mask on for. I’m clearly not at peace with it yet not sure if I’ll ever be, but at some point I had to force myself to accept things will never be the same. My heart hurts so deeply writing this.

I’m not bitter, I don’t view you as my enemy, I genuinely want you to win in life. I just wish we could have grown together. I often thought about when we did decide to have kids, that they could be best friends like we were. But I had to rebuild my table. And I’m still figuring out how to open my heart to anyone else because I am terrified of this happening again. It took me so long to find someone like you, and it was taken away in the snap of a finger.

I tried so hard to be the person for you, that no one ever was for me. I hope you could see that

I cannot pretend that this didn’t teach me valuable things. I have had to build a new table, new chairs, new guest list, and new standards for who eats at my table. You couldn’t come where I was going, and I may have never went if things didn’t end. But I just can’t understand why, and it trips me up. There had to be another way. Maybe I’ll never know, maybe we will find out in 20 years why things happened the way they did.

I have been forced to become the person Jesus needed for me to start helping people and following Him. The old me had to die. That old version of me is dead, I had to lose that entire identity to find my identity in Jesus. Transformation is a beautiful thing, but requires death of an old version of you and surrender. I couldn’t dim the light that was quickly growing in me. Which was exposing things I didn’t realize were lurking in the shadows.

We were involved in worldly things, and at the time I wasn’t close to Jesus, but you said you were, so I thought it was okay to live the way I was living. As I got closer to Jesus, the things we did together started to feel more and more wrong. I had to choose Him over our friendship.

I feel like Lot’s wife far too often, I have forgiven, but why do I still feel this deep ache. I’ve unblocked, not because I want to stalk you, but to release that strife in my own heart, and I told myself I was only allowed to unblock you if I wouldn’t go on and look you up. I can’t know what’s going on in your life because it would only hurt me more.

Forgiving isn’t even supposed to be for the other person. It’s a release for yourself, but my heart can’t seem to let you go. I hope in a way that tells you how special to at least one person you were. So if you ever get to a point where you have no friends, which I hope you don’t because it’s very lonely, but you can’t ever say that no friend didnt ever love you with their whole heart.

I hope in a way that this post helps me heal, because I revisit our memories far too often, and I just feel like I’m getting drug back down far too often for my own good. You’ll likely never read this, because I really don’t believe we are feeling the same way about all of this, and I know you’re a very logic thinking person who I don’t see dwelling over something like this, but I am very emotional and when I’m invested in something you know I go 100% with it, and I did that with you.

I just think The Lord wanted us to take different paths, but hopefully we have the same endpoint. I do hope you took my last message I said to you when I said The Lord told me their cup was empty. I genuinely don’t know who that was referring to, but I know that message was for you to help someone. I had my own ideas of what it meant, but I knew it wasn’t for me to understand because it was just supposed to be passed on to you. I wouldn’t just say that for no reason.

I hope life treats you well and build something great, even if I can’t give access to you anymore to protect myself. I hope that we can meet again in the next life up above where all these emotions won’t be able to get in the way.

I’m trying to close the door, but it keeps cracking open. I hope getting this out and into the world as if you actually were going to read it releases this for me once and for all.

Charlee

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